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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23789446">Gender Fucked</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShyChangling/pseuds/ShyChangling'>ShyChangling</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Red vs. Blue</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Genderbending, Euphoria, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Torture, Kind of a genderbend, Memory Alteration, Memory/Epsilon Unit, Misgendering, Nonbinary Character, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Tags May Change, meltdowns</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 11:08:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,383</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23789446</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShyChangling/pseuds/ShyChangling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Epsilon finds himself wrong in in a way that feels correct. But what comes with this correct feeling is a divorced feeling of body, mind and gender. Why is he remembering himself like this. How can he of gotten something so wrong and it feel too correct to jump instantly to the next iteration.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Cracked</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Whats up people. Today I felt a lot of gendered emotions. A thing where my only real way to figure out how to deal with my dysphoria is to project it onto a character I've been projecting this onto for some time but barely written it for.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Epsilon scrunches his nose. This felt... right in a weird way... like really strangely right and familiar. The soft flat curves. The soft small bump of chest. Hell other parts felt right too, like things that he never really noticed before. Like being shorter then usual when he saw himself human.</p><p>What felt wrong however was his voice. It was soft, pitched. Feminine in all the wrong ways.</p><p>And worst of it was Tucker flirting with him like he was a .. Oh god dammit.</p><p>He got it wrong again. But why did it feel correct in some way?</p><p>"So Church, you wanna get picked up in a tank?" Tucker says as if he's sly.</p><p>Epsilon puts his hands in his helmet making a long pitched groan. He could just poof right out of here. He could jump to the next incarnation and not deal with this. </p><p>But Texas should be so close to showing up here. He knows she will. Or He. Church isn't sure anymore. Everything's wonked out of control and he swears to fuck if Tucker is the only Man in Blood Gulch he's gonna murder something.</p><p>But he hears that regular voice of Caboose chirp into existence. Normal and annoying. Petting on the Tank. "I do not think the tank wants to pick her up."</p><p>Epsilon scrunches his nose at the pronoun. "He."</p><p>Tucker looks over and so does Caboose. </p><p>"He?"</p><p>"I use he pronouns. Don't fucking call me she."</p><p>Tucker tilts his head more and then shrugs. "I mean I've been using She all this time. Didn't really expect gender nonconformity from you."</p><p>Epsilon rubs his helmet and takes it off. "What about this screams conformity?" Then Epsilon realizes that he's made a mistake. He looks the part that Tucker had assumed.</p><p>Tucker just stands there silently rubbing the back of his neck looking away. He knows if he opens his mouth he'll put a foot in it. And yet he does it anyway. "I mean... a lot does."</p><p>"Caboose!" Right Micheal will agree with everything he says so at least someone will agree that he's not a she.</p><p>Caboose though is just as fidgety. "Well you are not.. super girly... But."</p><p>"But? Wait no not the important part." Epsilon waves his hand in the air. "I'm not a woman."</p><p>Tucker stares blankly a moment. His helmet slowly tilting. Then he snaps his fingers. "I got it you're one of those lesbians that don't associate with being a chick, right?"</p><p>Epsilon blinks and stares. Expression of that of being done with everything in front of him. "I'm not a lesbian, Tucker."</p><p>"Really but the he/him thing and your look?"</p><p>"My look doesn't make me a chick, man!"</p><p>"Trans dude. Gotcha."</p><p>"Tucker stop trying to figure me out. I'm not a man, and I'm sure as fuck not a woman."</p><p>"Then what the fuck are you?"</p><p>Know what who cares. He'll probably fail this reality too. "I'm an artificial intelligence program based on a memory of a tortured AI trapped in a god damn loop of memory trying to find my girlfriend."</p><p>"Okay but I thought you said you weren't a lesbian."</p><p>"I'm not a god damn woman, Tucker!"</p><p>"Yeah but what about those nonbinary lesbians?"</p><p>"Tucker I will fucking kill you if you call me a lesbian one more time."</p><p>--</p><p>Church hurries his feet inside. He needs to look at himself. He needs to see what the big fuss is. He needs to get away from the hounding.</p><p>He reaches the locker room and strips down to his skivvies. In this reality they must of seen him many times before. At least Epsilon must of remembered them seeing him as a woman many times before.</p><p>He turns on the lights and looks into the mirror. He's soft. that's for sure. Sickly thin, why does he remember himself like this. Why is this body so familiar, why is it scarred. Taking off his sports bra he looks at his chest more. There's a large healed wound over his heart. There's a circular damage around his neck.</p><p>He shuts his eyes. Okay. Is this how he's manifesting his trauma? Giving himself scars he'd never actually have as an AI. So someone will pity him when seen.</p><p>So if that's the case. Why a woman? Or no that's not how this works. Epsilon is still nothing. He's just being perceived as a woman.</p><p>God fucking dammit this hurts his head way too much to think. He pulls his fingers through his hair pulling on it. Its too long.</p><p>Its disgusting. This long hair in the back. He fumbles for scissors. Finds a knife and as the door opens slices off his excess hair.</p><p>"Church... are you okay."</p><p>Epsilon drops the knife onto the floor and drops his hair. Looking at the reflection of Tucker peaking into the locker room.</p><p>"Don't bother me. I'm busy."</p><p>"What did you do..." Tucker asks as if he's never seen a melt down before.</p><p>"Shut up and get out." Fuck did he hate his feminine voice. It made him sound more emotional then he ever wanted to sound.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Flashes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Epsilon tries to justify the memories that aren't his. and soon finds this iteration is coming apart faster then he means it to.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>While not focused on the gender aspect this chapter this is focused on meltdowns and flashbacks.</p><p>Warnings for referenced assault and torture. And a huge ass melt down.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Epsilon lays alone in his room. He's grateful this reality's iteration allows him to keep the room he remembers being told he had.</p><p>Epsilon places his hands over his chest resting in his under suit. That was a new thought wasn't it.</p><p>He tried to claim these were his memories when this first began. And in a sense they would be. But they didn't Belong to Epsilon.</p><p>They belonged to Alpha. </p><p>This world is made in memory told to him in stories.</p><p>Nothing here is his, is it?</p><p>But he did start as Alpha at one point in his life right?</p><p>He's allowed to find comfort in a world not his own but borrowed from someone more important then himself.</p><p>It still doesn't explain why he's remembered himself to be seen as female.</p><p>He could probably blame Caboose.</p><p>--</p><p>There’s shifting outside. Noise at his door. Church turns onto his side groaning. “Go away, Micheal. I’m trying to sleep.”</p><p>The noise gets louder and Epsilon sits up in his bed brushing a hand through his hair. He carefully gets out of bed and opens the door slowly. The hallway is empty. Tucker and Caboose’s room door is open full.</p><p>And there’s the sound of a cocking gun. </p><p>Epsilon panics. This is not how this works. What’s going on with this iteration. No one breaks into Blue Base. </p><p>Epsilon grabs his sniper and hurries down the hall aiming it up and moves further and further.</p><p>He reaches the corner and slowly looks to the other side of it. He sees black armor in the darkness. </p><p>He sees Caboose and Tucker tied to each other and gagged. A gun aimed at them.</p><p>Church raises his and moves out of hiding. “Freeze!” He hates how this voice makes him sound less intimidating. But it echoes enough to catch the intruder's attention. “I know it's you, Texas.”</p><p>It was not. As the man turns, Epsilon is able to see the yellow stripes on armor.</p><p>And his gut sinks. “Washington? No, no, no. You’re not supposed to be here in Blood Gulch.”</p><p>Tucker looks over to Church with an eyebrow raised. Caboose simply looks starry eyed over the fact Church has come to save them.</p><p>“Epsilon.” He says back. Turning his body fully to face him.</p><p>Epsilon feels his face start to burn and raises the gun higher. “Texas was supposed to be here! Not you!!”</p><p>He says, panicked. This is all wrong. Washington isn’t supposed to show up till after Beta had died. And only then after fourteen months had passed. </p><p>Caboose was very specific about the fourteen months.</p><p>Church never makes it that far into an iteration though. He REFUSED to meet Washington. He never wanted to SEE him.</p><p>“I didn’t think I’d be seeing you so soon..”</p><p>“I could say the same thing!” Epsilon puts his finger on the trigger. Firing. And misses. The shot going into the wall.</p><p>Caboose and Tucker cower their heads at the sound of the shot.</p><p>But Washington doesn't budge once. Pointing his gun back on Tucker and Caboose.</p><p>Really this is a false reality and if Washington killed these two it's no skin off his nose because he could just jump to another loop. But his gut sinks and the images flash of them actually falling lifeless to the floor.</p><p>Because what if this was reality and everything else before waking up as he was was the fake world. </p><p>What if this was all some fucked up deja vu. And Church isn’t an AI and everything is real.</p><p>--</p><p>And Church finds his thoughts deep into the past. Where the world moved too fast and chaotic for him to even comprehend. Where the dead are alive and the living are dead.</p><p>Washington stands in his mind space. Flooded with memory.</p><p>Torture. Every act of horror that can be enacted on another in his space of thought.</p><p>Epsilon is screaming.</p><p>Stretching their data so thin, reacting to things that aren’t there. To the beatings, to the paradoxes, to the overwhelming numbers, the impossible scenarios. The eternal looping The Director puts them through. To the assaults that they are forced to witness. To the ones that are forced on them. To being deprived of their senses and thrown back into overwhelming odds.</p><p>To their own tearing at them, cannibalizing their data. To be killed and then forcibly brought back into existence.</p><p>There is nothing for Epsilon in this life.</p><p>Washington reaches his hand to Epsilon. Trying to force through the static. The headache is a torture all its own. Washington had grabbed Epsilon’s hand.</p><p>What was meant to be reassurance. Is nothing but fear for the AI and they cease.</p><p>There is only grief. There is only a video on loop of a woman. She leaves with only what should be a playful threat of a beating if there is a goodbye spoken.</p><p>--</p><p>Epsilon had dropped his gun. Hands over his ears. The screaming resumes in his present. As it's all flooding back.</p><p>Washington raises his gun to him and shoots him in the shoulder.</p><p>It's enough to shut Epsilon up and he falls forward onto the ground bleeding..</p><p>Tucker gets his gag undone and shouts. “Church!”</p><p>Washington bucks the end of his gun into Tucker’s face then turns to walk to Epsilon.</p><p>Caboose gets his gag out soon too but says nothing. He simply struggles to undo the bindings and with luck he undoes them.</p><p>Washington kneels down lifting up Epsilon’s chin.</p><p>He is then tackled into the dirt.</p><p>Tucker is quick to give orders through a bloody nose. “Tie him up as tight as you can, Caboose.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I guess... this fic might end up a re contextualization of some trauma so that'll be fun.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Light Hearts and Could of Beens</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Epsilon finds it uncomfortable with the way he's being treated. Familiar and bullshit. He comes to realize Epsilon's own birth and form is Alpha's could of been. His wish to be seen.</p><p>But what was correct for Alpha. Is simply confusing for Epsilon.</p><p>At least Washington is tied tight.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Casual misogyny warning. Dysphoria, agap confusion.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Epsilon is topless when he wakes. Well he's bandaged but the top of his suit is gone. At first he cared little about it. He's been topless so many times before and nude even in the showers with others in it. </p><p>As his head slowly comes together it's very obvious that Tucker and Caboose aren't sure where to put their eyes. God dammit is it really that awkward for them.</p><p>He looks around and sees... Agent Washington. Arms tied behind himself. Glaring like the devil.</p><p>Epsilon feels his face twitch. Unsure how his face should look at all.</p><p>"You abandoned me." Is what Wash says though. "You gave me your trauma and then fucking killed yourself."</p><p>Epsilon sits silently. Turning his head away. "Why didn't either of you gag him?"</p><p>Caboose bounces now that its safe. "Oh that would be rude to do since he bandaged you!"</p><p>"YOU LET THE GUY WHO SHOT ME, BANDAGE ME??!"</p><p>Church snaps his head to Tucker.</p><p>"Okay but would you seriously have been more okay if it was me or Caboose bandaging you?"</p><p>Epsilon lets out a long angry huff from his nose. "Are you guys seriously that scared of me?"</p><p>"No it's more. The idea of touching you was really gross."</p><p>"What..."</p><p>"Not like that!! I mean your body is just so different from ours and it didn't feel right to touch. I mean you're unconscious and well..." Tucker starts to ramble. Unsure where he's going with his words. "You got breasts okay and I didn't want you thinking I did anything."</p><p>Epsilon snorts. "You're a pervert, Tucker. Not a monster. I know the difference."</p><p>It felt weird though. Being singled out and treated like he's fragile.</p><p>Washington is still staring and Epsilon looks back to him. "Why the fuck are you even here, Washington. Where's Texas."</p><p>Washington tilts his head sitting up and crosses his legs over eachother. "Don't know where she is, nor do I care."</p><p>So she's back to a woman again. Epsilon sits there silently glaring back. Looking for words to say. But he's so focused on this gender fuckery he doesn't notice Wash move closer.</p><p>Washington tilts his head further. Then realigns leaning his body back. "Are you misremembering things, Epsilon?"</p><p>Tucker scrunches his nose. "So what, are you in on the "this world isn't real" train too?"</p><p>Washington almost laughs and snorts air out of his nose. "Ask Epsilon, he's the one mixing information up and fucking this world over."</p><p>Caboose nods slowly as if he's following along with perfect clarity. Humming the twilight zone theme. He then snaps his head forward. "Church!! Did you remember Texas remembering you as a not woman woman?"</p><p>"Okay for that you can go ahead and just say woman."</p><p>Tucker though seems to be conflicted in thought. "So this is a simulation?"</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>"How many iterations are you in?"</p><p>"I don't know, fifth iteration?"</p><p>"And you already got so fucked up in the memories that you remembered yourself like this?"</p><p>"It's not a perfect simulation, Tucker. We're in a very damaged and dying memory unit." Epsilon then says very silently. "Caboose also had a lot of conflicting stories about Blood Gulch up to the Valhalla."</p><p>"I don't even know where to start with that."</p><p>"It's fine. I'll probably explain it better in the next iteration down."</p><p>"Oh dude, try to remember yourself with a bigger rack then if you forget what gender you are next time too."</p><p>"Tucker."</p><p>Epsilon then shuts his eyes realizing he's still topless. "Caboose go get me a damn shirt would you?"</p><p>Caboose stands and runs. Eager to help.</p><p>--</p><p>Epsilon keeps his eyes on Washington. While Caboose and Tucker take to the top of base to watch out to the distance. So Epsilon was alone here. And strangle.</p><p>With this body it makes him feel on edge. Alpha certainly was amab. He remembers that briefly. Did Alpha ever fear their body? He was a victim, for certain. Of so many abuses. Did Alpha ever feel vulnerable when he was bigger and stronger than Epsilon.</p><p>And even though he was bigger and stronger. He was hurt, manipulated, torn apart.</p><p>So what did that make Epsilon? Who slowly comes to realize something about his birth and body. Something that scared him and made him ache so horrifically. That he wanted to mutilate this form no matter how familiar it was.</p><p>What did that make Epsilon if Alpha was so much more than him and he still was a victim.</p><p>What is Epsilon supposed to consider with this female form.</p><p>That … if Alpha was afab. Would his abuse be treated more seriously?</p><p>Or would he be blamed even more.</p><p>He looks at Washington who’s gone silent. Resting his head forward. Most likely debating on how to escape.</p><p>He wonders… What will Texas think of him if she sees him?</p><p>There’s no easy answer to any of this.</p><p>And with that under his weary heart. Washington whips his head up to the sound of scrambling feet coming below.</p><p>Tucker grips to the side of the wall.</p><p>“So, Church. We got a Fun conundrum.” Tucker states and looks over to the two with a nervous laugh.</p><p>Church groans and looks back at him.</p><p>“What are we gonna do about the Red’s approaching while we have a prisoner here?”</p><p>Church scrunches his face and contorts. He looks at Washington. “Take him to the prison cell of course and I’ll deal with the Reds.”</p><p>This is going to be fucking bullshit and Epsilon was not going to enjoy any of it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Alpha being genderfluid amab while Epsilon is genderless afab has been a long standing headcanon i've had.. its confusing but I really hope this makes some lick of sense.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Break out.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Epsilon is starting to hate the repetition of misgendering.</p><p>Its even worse when  you're dismissed cause you're not. "Big enough" for the job of Leader.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Time for a few days break from Genderfucked as I work out some of its future kinks of it.</p><p>I might focus on one shots and and prototype fics. While i work though tidying up Your Only Friend and Genderfucked. Though i do think Genderfucked is getting closer to an ending.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tucker drags Washington to his feet. The Agent bucks his arm out of  Tucker’s grasp and starts walking forward on his own.</p><p>Epsilon thinks that’s odd. So easily willing to go below the base. Then again maybe he knows something Church doesn’t.</p><p>Tucker shrugs and grabs onto Wash again before he takes him below deck.</p><p>Epsilon points to Caboose to follow down with them. Just as extra muscle because if there was something Caboose can do it's to take Wash out with his size and weight.</p><p>With that under control, Epsilon puts the red flag to the side of his thoughts and heads up to the roof</p><p>--</p><p>The Reds are dangerously close aren’t they. Luckily it's only Simmons and Grif. Epsilon holds his breath for a brief moment. He takes his sniper pointing down and fires in their direction to get their attention. </p><p>“State your business Reds.” Epsilon hates how unintimidating he sounds with such a soft voice. He hates how at this point in time they are not his friends or acquaintances. They are strangers and enemies.</p><p>The two down below look up. Grif seems to shrug as Simmons looks to him. “You’re the Blue team leader?” Simmons finally shouts up at them.</p><p>“That a problem?” Church says back. Great. They’re remembered correctly all right.</p><p>“Wasn’t your leader a man?” Simmons asks.</p><p>Epsilon is ready to throw words but they may in fact of been referencing Flowers. “He’s dead, you’re talking to me now.”</p><p>There’s an awkward silence. Epsilon decides to risk something and starts climbing down the side of the base. “Know what, lets not announce my change to the entire canyon.” He mumbles to himself. Absolutely nervous over the idea of Texas seeing him as such.</p><p>“So what, Blue Team is run by a chick?” Grif asks as Epsilon approaches with his gun pointed. “Actually know what, this is a fucking GREAT revelation.” Grif leans to his side crossing his arms, there’s a smile in his voice.</p><p> </p><p>And Epsilon hated it. “What do you mean, Red.” He wishes he could use their names but. Explaining the iterations to the Blues is easier than someone who thinks you’re enemies.</p><p>“Sarge won’t attack a woman!” Grif seems lost in that fantasy of having the perfect excuse not to fight.</p><p>Epsilon scrunches his nose.</p><p>Simmons glares at Grif. Then looks to Epsilon as if his eyebrow was raised. “Weren’t you a man last time we saw you.”</p><p>Wait.. Did this Simmons remember the last iteration?</p><p>“I-” He’s cut off.</p><p>“Simmons, what are you talking about. We’ve never..” Grif scrunches his nose. Looking at Epsilon.</p><p>Epsilon lowers his sniper. Snarling at them. This is not the time to be questioning the world. Why is everything falling apart.</p><p>“You’re .. so much smaller too. Softer.” Grif holds so much confusion in his voice. “Yeah, last time we were spying. You were much taller.”</p><p>“Where’s the other guy?” Simmons then puts up his gun.</p><p>“You’re not Church.”</p><p>Epsilon is sure someone said it. But it didn’t sound like Grif or Simmons.</p><p>“He’s dead!”</p><p>“Not your captain. We know he’s dead. That’s why we’re here! Getting details. So where the fuck is the other cobalt guy?”</p><p>“Stop trying to dismiss me as leader!”</p><p>Grif seems conflicted and confused, Simmons seems suspicious. Epsilon just wanted people to stop pointing out his current form or the fact that he wasn’t… what they wanted.</p><p>There’s gun fire within the base. Multiple guns. Epsilon feels his heart sink as he turns to his base.</p><p>“Don’t move, Blue!” Simmons says.</p><p>“You won’t shoot me.” Epsilon says feeling his shoulder wince. They’re not Washington after all. He turns more fully away and runs into the base. “Caboose!! Tucker!!”</p><p> </p><p>The duo Reds look to eachother. Then follow inside guns raised. They told themselves it wasn’t to protect the Blue. But… well they couldn’t let what they considered a woman go in there on their own. Why that’d not sit well with either of them.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>While this fic will likely be short i also have it low on my radar for finishing. But I hope those that stick around find it insightful and enjoyable.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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